jaijai’s blog

my blogs / journals are in my multiply site..

http://iamjai.multiply.com

had so many plans for you this break… we would be going out of town… ill bring you to many places… we will be playing all day… we will be singing so many songs… ill be teaching you how to be strong… we suffer the same fate… although yours is worse than mine… you don’t know love the way i saw it when i was young… i miss you sooooooo much… you were one of those that kept me sane… even if i always shout at you… do crazy things to you… i love you soooo much… you were like my own… ive been loving you that way… i wish i could run to you when tears run down ur face… i would carry you and hush you till all those tiny tinee pains would go away… ur still small but you know what… you are one of my biggest source of joy… il never forget the day you came to me, wiped my tears, and hugged me, as if you can feel my pain…

il never forget your giggles… the way you call my name to see the rain… il never forget the way you run to me or the way we talk about nothing at all… il never forget the way you ask for a hug or kiss me before i go out… il never forget how happy i was everytime you call my baby boy’s name…

il never know why each of my smiles are walking away… first it was sofia… now its you…

when they said you were leaving i wanted to push each and everyone of them away… as if they know how to take care of you… they barely saw you grow… i never saw in them the feeling i can see in me and my younger sisters everytime we are on our way home to see you… they don’t know how we bond… they don’t know who comforts you when ur scared as hell…

they don’t think… some people just go with their instincts and impulses… and then they go on thinking they are the best and the rest are stupendous, imoral or rather amoral people… then they blame you for everything thats happening and claim that they don’t… when in reality they are more selfish than the ones they hate the most…

thats why i love bonding with you… its with you that i feel i can be free again… free from this weight they keep on burdening me with… you know what kept me sane all this time… my babies… if i never saw how sweet your smile was, as i was attempting to curtail my existence… looking at me in your sweet innocent state… questioning my tears… i would never have pictured the future i wanted to live in…

they better take care of you… give you all your wants and all your needs… because years from now that was my plan… to help provide you with the best…

i don’t know when is the next time il see you again…

but i don’t think i want to… i don’t think il have the heart to see you, and after a very short time part ways… i think its better that i forget about you so i could just move on… but as for now… il let these tears fall down…

u know that day when everything seems to go wrong….

to hell with that day!!!

im gonna try to move on…

I know you will never
understand why I will do it…
but there is no other choice… I have to…

you are my soulmate…
we are two of a kind… you see what my eyes see… you cry my tears… you breathe what i breathe… you are the only one who can
really feel my emotions… but life is not just about love & laughter… its
also about pain… I don’t know how I can provide you with the best… so I have to be
more than strong… even though it hurts… even if it pains me… I have to let go…
but I promise that night after night… il go religiously praying… that someday…
when im ready to give nothing less than what is best… my soulmate will come
back to me… and then I promise… I will give you half my heart… half my life… I will
not let anything harm you… nothing can make you cry… I will shield you from the
world… but until then… im sorry baby… but I have to let you go…

i dont know if i will be able to sleep tonight… my tears are following the direction of the rain… i cant breathe… i feel so bad… why does this have to happen… i  cant control my tears… they are flooding my eyes… leaching to my soul… i will forever be haunted by what i saw… blood… there was blood… it was not good… my eyes are dropping… what did i do wrong now? no matter how inocent i am… i feel like im the one to blame… i cant go on like this…

hate this day! as in! i woke up earlier than usual… around 6 i think… i managed to finish my morning routine by 730 and went to school to study for a stupid quiz… just to find out that my effort is worthless… i did not do well on my test… grrr… next subject, the prof gave back the paper from our last quiz, which i wasnt able to take cos i was sick… so chededeng! got zero… next english… well it was a lil bit less exciting than normal… then an hour and a half break… i saw this girl… i used to like her cos i find her pretty but then starting kanina im not so into liking her na cos kanina ba naman while i was buying load she went like… "oh gross!" so i was like… "hate her!"… so un… then i saw her again with the guy who looks like my former CLOSESTfriend… i really hate the feeling of having someone think im crushing on him, when in fact i was just staring at him cos i really cant find it easy to believe that he looks like my ex… fack eet!!! oh well enough about him or her… then after break it was math logic, buti my classmate was mabait, if not wla na id be so down na tlga… after that subject i gave up na… its like my mind and body was in unison na… my body was giving up on me… and so was my brain hehehe… ayun bsta i went home na after that… such a bullcrap-full day!

bwahahaha television hahaha… i watched darna and encantadia out of grave boredom in our tito’s house in paranaque… enihoo… its our last day of introman lectures this morning… im so damn happy… no more waking up on tuesdays… yahoo!!! its very irritating cause i cant be late… well i woke up at 830, and i dnt know how i could fit the entire morning routine in 30 minutes… so i did what i can do and voila… i was able to finish everything in 45 minutes hahaha… i was late as usual… good thing our groupmate mark went out of the classroom… i was figuring out how i could sneak in… and i even thought of some lame excuses if ever i got caught… good thing i wasnt caught cause as ive mentioned earlier i saw mark going down from the 3rd floor… i gave him my bag so the teacher would think that i just went to the restroom to do whatever… enihoo the class was lame as usual… but the reporters were good and my civ 103 classmate was unintentionally funny… well in a good way… cos he wasnt really trying to produce a spoof or a skit or watchamacallits… hes just doing his thing… but it was awkwardly funny and cute… hey hey… im not hitting on him… enihoo… gosh i dont really know why im blogging today… i find it so lame hahaha…  (im not destroying or trying to crash other people’s mindsets… im just saying that public blogging may not be for me… wink )

here are the things i learned by the way :

1. i wud choose chinese over spanish, but either way i wud prefer someone worth my eyeballs
2. follow the signs… they are God’s gifts…Ü
3. gogo sandwich and chicken fillet of KFC can feed one hungry little tummy
4. i still hate losers who go "hey can i be your textmate?" it just aggravate whatever amount of anger i have in store hehehe
5. the list goes on but i want to stop here hehehe

joke… its not about religion… maybe not all pero yeah its about religion din… gosh i feel so weird… im gonna do good in school talaga… have you ever thought of saying this? "someday im gonna marry him?" shux.. why does it feel so strange yet contrary to that it never felt so right… its as if im really saying whats going to happen… hmmm i dreamt about someone… he said hes just gonna study, i said thats cool… he said because he wants to get married someday… and he doesnt want to end up as an imbecile… i looked at him… he wasnt lying… well actually he never lied to me… thats the beauty of it…  so when he said that i smiled… its like i want to go to him and tell him… what i really feel… sheesh its so damn hard… i really like my conversation with grace yesterday… i learned a lot… and i learned that its not right to believe everything a person says… and disregard the reasons of the one involved… i should have known better… it happened to me before… i was so close to neverland… and suddenly i forgot all the happy thoughts that brought me to where i was flying… i went to church after we shopped at g4… there is nothing i could think of but that one single happy thought that should have pulled me back when i broke into pieces… i should have thought of that… before i decided to disintegrate my senses… man, was i weird… all i know is… ill be happy… if i wish to be… if i try to be… if i want to be…

haha kulit current affairs… enihoo…  school was exhausting, i was late as usual, but it was cool. Manang drove me to school and i realized that my ids still with randy so i escaped the stupid security guard and rushed to acb 202. the teacher was explaining the syllabus and her rules and regulations. she said that we can only be late once and after that we get a grade of F. We can also have one super excused absence ( accident or sickness) and after that we already get a grade of F. Its somewhat troubling, especially for me, cos im not a morning person. I dont usually wake up as early as 7 am just to get dressed and all, but since i need to get nice grades this sem, il give supper effort on this. Im just gonna unwind after this term. enihoo… we were asked to write down our nickname and give a noun for each letter… this is what ive come up with… J- jokes A-applause I-indifference … why those words? well actually i have no idea… just kidding… well everyone knows i love to laugh and so duh… i am fond of jokes… applause… cos i used to perform, dance, act and sing… so that explains why i chose applause… hmmm indifference… actually i would like to use instinct cos i rely on my instinct most of the time, but i guess indifference suites me better… i am both a rule follower and a breaker… i am both a student and a teacher… im just so unpredictable sometimes… and even i amaze myself… yuck yabang hahaha… its just that i was so into dancing that i wasnt able to explore other things, like singing for example, i never knew i could sing, until i was forced to audition for this choir cos il fail if i dont go… and acting… well ive always been an actress… everyone is… we act at our own pace… in our own world and our family and friends are our number one audience. Im even so pissed off that i cant play basketball… i can shoot sometimes though hehehe… bsta un… there are so many other things that i can do that i wasnt able to improve on cos i was so inclined to just a couple of things… bsta dami pa… enihoo bsta after class, i went home na… i bought a vcd of any lau on my way home… im gonna make a review of it later… hehehe… feeling… eh hes so hot kasi eh… bsta the name is fighter’s blue… go check it out… last but not the least i saw my baby again… aaawww i really missed pia…